This guide is for adolescent females who have fallen victim to young vampires who have not yet grown their fangs and thus leave unsightly bruises in the neck region. Guys and violinists are still SOL.

You must follow these instructions to the letter or else the "magic" will not work.

1. Tell me the exact location of the bruise and a detailed description of how it came to be there, so that I may personalize my treatment in your particular situation.

2. Cover the area with cold cream and leave it there until it's warm cream. Wipe it with the towel your dad is going to use after his morning shower.

3. Cover your entire neck with Mentholatum and go directly to bed. Be sure your blankets are pulled up all the way over your neck. If anyone asks why you are in bed, cough into your pillow, roll over, moan, and whisper "sick!" This should keep your parents from prying.

4. After your morning shower, cover the region with generous amounts of powder and rub it in until it is indistinct.

5. Find the boy who did this to you, and give him a swift kick in the nads for not having the sense to move to a different spot from time to time.

6. If all else fails (and it should), you should at least be symmetrical. Tell me where you live, and I will schedule an appointment where I will personally ensure a matching hickey for the other side of your neck.

That about covers it. Be sure to email me with any questions.

P.S. If you were to ask your parents about such things, and I'm sure they are no strangers to hickeys themselves, they would likely recommend toothpaste. It worked for them as teens, and it should work for you too.