10 Things You Should Not Do When You're A Pirate

Arrg! You probably know how to dress like a pirate, and talk like a pirate already, but some people just can't seem to just come off a stupid pirates. These are some foibles they make, and that you should avoid doing to be a successful pirate.

Never:

1. Walk in a straight line on land. Always sway back and forth and run into an occasional wall to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're no landlubber, and that you've still got your sea legs. Don't overdo it though, you'll give pirates, even acoholic pirates, a bad name if you look drunk all the time.

2. Wear a parrot, parakeet, bird-of-paradise, or any other bird, live or stuffed, on your shoulder. Only gays and parrotheads keep birds. It's alright to have a bird if you are at a Jimmy Buffett concert, or happen to own a pet store, but make sure that your bird can say "Aaarggh!" and at least seven other phrases with cuss words in them. Also, if you must have a bird, DO NOT dress him up in a little pirate hat with a patch over one eye. That would be fruity, and extremely unpiratey.

3. Show your booty in public. It is never a good idea to let anyone see your goods (and most especially not your wenches). If you are smart, you will keep them well-hidden until you reach your point-of-sale. Pirates of old may have occasionally hid them in chests deep in secret caves, but this is not a good idea either. Why? You've seen the movies. . .you'll die and some random stranger will find your map, go on a perilous adventure, somehow avoid all your booby traps, and then steal your treasure. The only reason you'd ever do this is to gain fame in some future pirate flick. If you are running grass or cocaine, keep a small stash in easy access to bribe the port authority with. Never carry your treasure in an airport, unless you have it hidden in an artificial limb.

4. Wear a wooden leg. These will inevitably get either a termite-infestation or worn away by the salt spray. These days, titanium is very in. It not only does not rust, combust, or break, but it is very handy for sheathing small swords in when passing through metal detectors. Don't worry, those guards never ask crippled folk to remove their limbs.

5. Consume anything containing vitamin C. Scurvy must be a daily part of your life in order to be a true pirate.

6. Replace your hand with a hook. Piercings are cool, especially gauging your ears to accomodate large hoop earrings, but a severed hand goes far beyond the bounds of piercing (even accidental piercings that come as a direct result of your hook). If you lose your hand accidentally, there are far more useful tools you can affix there than a hook. Calipers, for example, will allow you to grip objects without putting holes in them. Moreover, they don't get caught in the ropes when you have to climb them. Most importantly, if you try to punch someone who is standing with their back to the mast, and they dodge at the last minute, it will not lodge itself in the mast and leave you stuck and helpless to further attack.

7. Puke on the deck. Believe me, having scurvy will certainly make you want to puke, but you're only making more work for yourself, and swabbing your own puke will only make you puke again. It's not hard to run to the railing and pollute the ocean instead of your living space. Even if you're below-decks, you can find the nearest porthole/gunhole. This is obvious to most pirates, but amateurs who haven't gotten over sea-sickness yet still sometimes make this mistake.

8. Buy rum in Barbados. Nuff said.

9. Buy reefer from a street peddler. You're an idiot if you do. Nuff said.

10. Tie someone to the mast with a bayonet or sword in easy reach. Believe me, it has been tried in countless situations, and they neverfail to cut themselves free. I would recommend you don't take hostages at all, as such things make international news these days, but if you must, always drug them or knock them out, and keep them unconscious and guarded 24/7. There's a hero in every bunch, and you don't want to give the hero a fighting change, especially since you're the good guy, not him!

If you would like to see a list of things you should do, consult your Intradisclipinal Sterotype Conformity Manual (page 27 in eds. 1-4). If you would like to receive true stories about pirates who have committed any of the above flubs/faux pas, Ask Captain Quintopia.